Just like that… and still not perfect

15 days until I get married…  And trust me, I’m not the kind of girl who counts the days to her wedding, but when enough people ask you how many days until your wedding you kind of have to start counting….  or when it’s only 15 days away you kind of have to start counting as well.

People ask me on a daily basis now if I’m stressed about wedding planning and I’m really not.  I know it will all mostly work out….  but I AM stressed about the fact that nothing about me has changed.  My whole life I assumed that by the time I got married I would have life figured out.  I would have perfectly clear skin, be the perfect weight, have the perfect relationship with God, sleep through the night perfectly, never have anxiety…  I know this may seem unrealistic but it’s been a real basic truth I thought would happen for many of the last 26 years of my life.  Even after getting engaged five months ago, I kind of expected I would finally have the motivation to kick my butt into gear and get it together.  Reality check: I did nothing even close to the sort.  Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator I guess.  So wedding tip numero uno: Start preparing for your wedding like 5 years beforehand because if you are anything like me you won’t ever start.  For the last five months, I’ve thought about going on that diet or even just that “healthy living” thing but five months just seemed like plenty of time to start eventually.  So when people ask me if I am stressed about wedding planning, I answer, “I’m mostly okay”.  But if they had asked me if I’m stressed about not being perfect yet, I would have answered a resounding 100%.  Somehow time has passed and it is now 15 days before my wedding..  and I’m exactly the same as I have always been!  Within reason…   Wedding tip numero dos: Don’t let your boyfriend convince you to have a big wedding.  Elope.  Just do it!  Ohhhh how many times I’ve dreamed of that lovely word since we made the “no turning back” decision to have a normal wedding.  Also…last tip I promise…once you’ve made a decision don’t re-think it.  Esther just get over the eloping dream already.  You will love your wedding and you know it!

I’ve always wanted to write a blog…and as I lay in bed feeling the anxiety creeping slowly up my chest as I think about my approaching wedding…I think what a wonderful time it would be to start a blog of my life en route…  for that is exactly what it is…. in progress….  and maybe finally the progress will start…

I’m 26 years old and life is flying by.  Although I have led a very wonderful life so far, I am very good at putting off things and I would hardly say I’m living 100% as awesome as I could be living.  I yearn to experience everything in life, to know myself and love myself completely, to know God deeply, to become perfectly peaceful, to cherish every moment of happiness, to see the wonders of the world, to be awed, to write, to love, to travel, to give, to be a person of good character…

And as I’m fairly healthy, slightly sane, for the most time madly in love with life, and on the cusp of being a married woman, I have decided in this late hour as I still lay in bed (I’m talented enough to type while laying down don’t be jealous) that I will strive ever harder to be the bucket list living person I aim to be.  To strive towards that ever distant goal….  to finish my last 15 days of singleness and to start my married life adventure by not putting off my life any longer (and documenting it on the way! yay!)

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